Sunday, April 13

Your New Monkey

As soon as the import documents are cleared and the quarantine period expires you will be the
proud owner of a beautiful young Rhesus Monkey gifted to you for the following celebration:
  • Wedding Gift
  • Anniversary
  • Birthday
  • Holiday
  • Other __________________________

This gift was paid for and arranged by:  _____________________________________

__Check here if gift-giver wishes to remain anonymous for now.

No doubt in your childhood you saw a funny monkey on TV and thought you would like to have one. Perhaps you were side-tracked by a career or family and never made that happen - but someone who cares about you has!
A monkey is a wonderful and unique pet, but before he/she arrives in approximately 2-3 weeks there are many things you must be aware of and do. This advance arrival document will help you be fully prepared – thus getting you and your new monkey off to a great start together! You will be best friends.

Until your monkey gets accustomed to his/her new home, you will need a “monkey-proof” room in your household. This is very easy to do and will ensure you suffer minimal damage during the monkey’s adjustment period. Rhesus monkeys do not like change and will find the new environment stressful. During this time period (days to months, depending on the monkey) they will be prone to depression and outbursts. Designate one room in your house as monkey-proof and do the following:
  • Remove all furniture.
  • Make sure the door is lockable from the outside. In many cases this can be done by simply reversing the doorknob assembly.
  • Install a peephole viewer in the door so that you can look into the room and see if the monkey is in an attack posture prior to entering.
  • Remove all lighting and cover all outlets with solid plates (easily found at Home Depot and other retailers).
  • Make sure all windows are closed and locked. No fear - monkeys are afraid of glass and will not break them.
  • Never cover the windows as monkeys need to see clouds.
  • Hang a rope from the ceiling or between the walls for the monkey to exercise with.
  • Line the floor with newspaper or absorbent pads from the pet store. A comforter will be fine, but it will get dirty.
  • Leave a bowl of fresh water out and scatter food throughout the room.
  • Find a veterinarian who has worked with monkeys.
  • Think of a fun name for your monkey and start calling him/her by that name as soon as he/she arrives. A lot of people like “Dr. Julius.”
You should purchase the following in advance of your monkey’s arrival:
  • Bananas
  • Lettuce
  • Grapes (frozen)
  • Hummus
  • Fresh water
  • Newspapers or thick absorbent pads to cover the floor
  • Diapers (Size 5 – patterns are optional as monkeys don’t care)
  • Rope (1” thick or more)
  • Duct tape
  • Squeeze toys
  • Tape measure
  • Hammer
  • Piece of medium-sized Samsonite luggage (for monkey to play with)
  • Stuffed dolls
  • Rubber balls and other monkey amusements
  • Ointments and first-aid kit
  • Galvanized trash can lid (until the monkey stops viewing you as a threat)

  • A monkey has the same mental capacity and behavior as a two-year old child.
  • In captivity a monkey can live up to 40 years – so you’ll have a life-long friend!
  • Monkeys require constant attention. Do not leave a monkey unattended as they will view this as abandonment and react in a very negative way. If you have a job you will have to bring him/her to it, or get a monkey sitter.
  • Do not assume a monkey throwing feces is aggressive, sometimes they’re just being playful and expect you to participate. You can determine the monkey’s mood by studying their faces and looking them in the eye.
  • Avoid eye contact with a monkey. They will view this as a “challenge” and attack.
  • If you are attacked, turn away from the monkey and act unhappy. It will eventually stop attacking and try to make amends, often by licking your arm and cooing.
  • Rhesus monkeys have an incredible memory as well as scent recognition. If your friends or family members upset the monkey it will remember the incident and could strike back years later. Always ask people to be pleasant as punch.
  • Monkeys cannot be reasoned with.
  • DTGG! The cardinal rule of monkey ownership: Don’t tease – give grape.
  • The monkey will arrive in a crate and will be very likely be tired and/or agitated. Follow the instructions attached to the crate line by line and do not deviate from them.
  • If you have any questions or concerns call the 24 hour number on the crate or read the Ownership Guidebook provided you. Our staff has answered any question you can imagine, be it about sleeping habits, shrieks or biting – they can’t be stumped!
  • If you think you’ll be driving with your monkey, check your state’s vehicle laws to see what the rules are. Some states require monkey seats.
  • RELAX! A lot of people are afraid they will be overwhelmed by owning a new monkey and never fully enjoy the experience. Although monkey ownership is extremely difficult, angering and tiresome, it’s one of the most rewarding experiences you will ever have if you like owning a monkey.
  • Your friend/family member has gone to great expense so we hope you enjoy your new monkey. Unfortunately import/export laws prevent us from taking the monkey back.
  • Give your monkey six months to establish a rapport with you. This is a creature that was once in the wild without any rules and is now in a house, like in My Fair Lady.
  • Do not let your monkey meet other monkeys until you are comfortable about the chance they might reminisce.
  • ENJOY YOUR NEW MONKEY and please be home when it arrives.
Thus spake someone - the rabbit only wishes he had penned this.


Spyder said...

And only spank your monkey in private!

Le Grand Lapin said...

Why? Has the monkey been bad?? :)

Spyder said...

Sooooo baaaaadddd!